


heartache, loneliness, guilt

by wallyreads



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Domestic Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Person of Color James Potter, References to Depression, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Triggers, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young James Potter, Young Lily Evans Potter, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28932588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wallyreads/pseuds/wallyreads
Summary: The Potters are in hiding, Remus is recruited by Dumbledore to go on secret missions as a spy for The Order, and Sirius is utterly and ultimately alone. The heartache, loneliness and guilt felt by two people in love in the midst of a war, when separation is inevitable, and how that heartache, loneliness and guilt takes a toll on one Sirius Black.orSirius tries (and in the most part fails) with dealing with being away from his fiancé during the great wizarding war.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-write of a multi-fic I attempted to write on tumblr a while ago but never got around to finishing :)

The light shining through the window is what woke Sirius that morning, the sheer curtains doing nothing to conceal the sun from pushing itself into the room and through his eyelids. A sigh escaped him as Remus stirred from beneath him, their arms and legs still tangled up together from the night before.

He knew he had to get up, that they both needed to, but all those thoughts went away when Remus pulled himself closer to his fiancé, his arm wrapping around Sirius like it often found itself doing. Butterflies ran through his stomach, a shiver running down his spine as he pushed himself closer towards the sleeping boy, whose breathing had steadied. Sirius could feel his heart beating against his ribcage, his pulse heavy under his skin, slow, steady as he watched his chest move, another sigh escaping him.

He wished more than anything that the two of them could stay together like this for eternity, together in this moment, all skin on skin, breath on breath. But he was smarter than that. He knew only the good things in life come to an end. And the boy he held was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Remus stirred again, but this time, his eyes opened, blinking up at the light that shone in through the thin curtains, the same light that causes his skin to glow every morning. Sirius chuckling out, a smile creeping on his face, the same one he could never hold back when looking towards his love, as a groan escaped Remus. He lifted his head as he took in his surroundings, before his head fell back onto Sirius’ chest, a comfortable weight Sirius thought he would never get enough of.

Sirius’ laugh echoed through the room as he looked towards the boy whom he loved, his hand moving up towards his dark curly locks of hair, another sigh escaping Remus as he leaned into the touch. They stayed like that for another brief moment, breathing each other in, enjoying the feeling of being together, before Remus spoke.

“I don’t want to.” He spoke simply, softly, a sigh escaping Sirius as he thought of what was to come. They both knew what had to be done, that it was the right thing, but that didn't stop them from dreading it completely. Dreading going to sleep the night before, and then dreading having to wake up, dreading having to watch Remus leave and hope to god he comes back. 

“I know. But you have to.” Sirius spoke the truth, ignoring the pain that began to grow in his chest as Remus lifted himself slightly, looking up towards Sirius, who smiled sadly back towards him. If it was any other day, Remus would've smiled brightly, holding Sirius, bringing him in to his embrace, kissing him until the sun had fully risen in the sky. Remus usually loved the mornings, the way Sirius looked to utterly opened and relaxed and completely contempt. But today was different, and Remus couldn't force himself to pretend like everything was okay. 

They tried to fight it, argue that he wasn’t the right person for the job, that Dumbledore should find someone else. That he’s needed here, with Sirius, with his fiancé, his family. But there was nothing that could be done, and Remus hated that. Hated knowing that he had to leave Sirius here, _alone_ , to do nothing but _worry_ and _stress_ and hurt over the not knowing. The not knowing if the other was okay, if they'll make it to the next day, if they'll ever see each other again.

With every new mission came an increased risk, increased danger, increased chance that something was going to go wrong. That someone was going to get hurt.

It ate him up from the inside, and hurt him more than any transformation ever had. Not in the physical sense, of course, but the heartache of being apart from his other half was unbearable at most times, for the both of them.

“It’s not enough time.” Remus spoke softly, his eyes still red and swollen from the night before, where he couldn’t stop the tears from falling, knowing what the next day would bring.

“I know.” Sirius said simply, knowing if he tried to say more, he would break down again.

Three days was all they gave them, from the time he returned, to when he had to leave again. Three days was all they had, to be together, before the next goodbye came. Before they were alone again. Sirius continued to play with Remus’ hair as their eyes wandered over each other, taking in everything they could before the inevitable. Wanting to look at each other for as long as they possibly could before Remus was taken away again.

Sirius tried to argue with Dumbledore himself. “ _Take me instead! Not Remus! I can go, I can fight”_ he would scream towards the Professor, something that he never had done in the previous years of knowing him. But now it was different, than when they were students at school, the only care in the world being their next school assignment, or what prank they would decide on pulling. Because now, it was the difference between life or death. Now it had to do with Remus, with Remus' life, with his potential death, and Sirius couldn’t handle himself.

Dumbledore would just stare back with sad eyes, knowing the pain this decision would cause the young couple.

_“You’re needed here, Sirius. To protect Harry. You’re too important to risk”_ Dumbledore would try to explain, knowing that if anything happened to James, or Lily, that Sirius would have to take on the responsibility of protecting his godson, but his words only caused Sirius to yell back in anger.

_“I’m nothing! Okay, I- Please, don’t take him from me”._

But his pleads were no use, and Remus was chosen as Dumbledore's spy. As his pawn in this dangerous, never-ending game of chess. And Sirius never cried as much as he did the first time Remus left. 

Sirius paused again, watching as the boy in his arms closed his eyes for a moment, trying to enjoy the moment as it was. And it took everything out of Sirius to speak, to break the moment apart with his voice. 

“Re..” he mumbled out, another pain shooting through his chest as the boy in his arms breathed in, knowing exactly what he was going to say, what he needed to do. He opened his eyes again, looking up towards Sirius.

“I know, Pads.” He said simply as they looked to each other, feeling every emotion all at once, yet feeling numb altogether. The same feelings that run through their bones and veins every time Remus has to leave. 

They paused for another moment together, taking another deep breath, one they probably will end up holding onto tightly in the next coming few days. And then they got up, and Sirius sat, and watched as his love got ready, like what they used to do together, before the war, when they could just be Remus and Sirius, together, all the time. And another pain ran through Sirius as he thought of what it would be like. It almost killed him the first time, the _heartache,_ the _loneliness,_ the _guilt_. Not knowing where he was, or what he was doing, or even if he was alive, just waiting for the day Remus walks back through the door with open arms, waiting to embrace his fiancé.

And then, it would happen all over again. The heart ache, the loneliness. The guilt. And it never went away, until the two boys held each other in their arms. The only time either of them felt truly happy, truly safe. Truly _alive_.

He continued to watch Remus as he pulled his coat over his shoulders, his arms sliding through the sleeves as he looked back towards Sirius, a sigh escaping him before he made his way towards the bed. Sirius looked up towards him, his body instinctively moving closer to Remus as his arms wrapped around his waist, Remus’ hands moving to either side of Sirius' face as he looked down towards him.

“It’ll be better this time, Pads. It’s not a big assignment” he tried to reason with his love, but even _he_ knew that nothing he could say would make the situation better, would help ease Sirius’ worry, his concern. But he always tried. For Sirius, for himself. He had to. Hope was all he they had left.

“Come on, Pads” he spoke softly, only a mumble as Sirius pushed himself up, his arms never leaving Remus as they pulled each other closer for a moment, before Remus pulled away from him. He held onto Sirius’ hand as they made their way out of the room and down the stairs.

Sirius couldn’t feel his legs, the only thing he focused on being Remus, and their hands, entwined together, a simple gesture they've been doing for the better of three years now. Something Sirius thinks he will always love, never get enough of. Just being able to hold Remus' hands always seemed to bring a fond smile onto his face.

Before Sirius could even register his surroundings, they were already down their stairs, Remus sitting by the door as he tied his shoes. Sirius closed his eyes, the pain already almost unbearable as Remus finished with his laces, looking up towards the person he always missed the most whenever he was assigned a new mission.

He always hated leaving, not because he was scared for his own life, but because he knew how it affected Sirius, and the pain of being apart always breaks him. But he knew he had to, it was his job, his duty. And so he must go.

Sirius sighed out again, opening his eyes as Remus moved towards him. He knew this was when they say their goodbyes, and he wasn’t ready for it. Neither was Remus.

_They never were._

Sirius’ arms wrapped around Remus' body, pulling him into his embrace as Remus’ hands moved around his shoulders, the both of them holding each other. Tears began to spill from both of their eyes as they held each other tighter, something that became normal between them. If it was the year before, Sirius would have laughed at himself, for being so emotional, for crying. But now it’s different, now crying was all he wanted to do, what he spent most of his alone days doing.

“Hey” Remus spoke softly, pulling from his fiancé as he looked towards him, a smile making it's way onto his lips. He was crying, but the smile wasn’t sad. He always tried to be happy, to make it seem like the situation that they’re in isn’t as bad as what it really was.

“Why don’t.. when I get back, let’s get married.” He said, moving his hands to either side of Sirius’ face as he chuckled out towards him, shaking his head towards the boy.

Only Remus would smile and say something like that when they’re on the brink of breaking, and Sirius thought he had heard everything by now.

“What?” Sirius managed to mutter out, a smile making its way onto his face at the thought.

They always dreamt of getting married, since they were young, since they first discovered their feelings for each other. They got engaged not long after they found out how bad the war was, how bad it was going to get. They promised each other that they would get married, no matter what. A hope amongst all the chaos, a light in the dark. Something for the two of them to hold on to.

“Yeah, just, you and me, and James, and Lily and Harry, just.. just the people that matter. A small group of us, right here in our living room. And then when the war is over, we’ll hold a proper ceremony, and get married again.”

Sirius chuckled out again, nodding his head. He couldn’t help the tears from falling, however, as the realisation that Remus was about to leave made it's way back into his thoughts.

“Hey.. don’t cry. I’ll be back before you know it.” Remus spoke, his voice breaking as he moved his thumbs across Sirius’ cheeks, smiling towards him, trying to hold himself together as Sirius pulled him tighter, closer.

_Not wanting to let him go._

“You’re a terrible liar” Sirius laughed out, shaking his head as Remus chuckled, leaning into his love, resting his head against his chest.

Sirius could always tell when Remus was lying, and Remus knew that. But he tried, tried to believe what he was saying was true, because it was easier than accepting the possibility that he might not come back soon, he might not come back at all.

Remus could feel his heart breaking in his chest as he breathed in, his eyes squeezing shut to try and stop the tears, already knowing that it wasn’t going to work. But he knew he needed to be strong, for Sirius. He needed to believe that he was going to come home, to see him soon. That’s the only thing that keeps him going when he’s gone.

A sigh escaped Remus as he pulled back, smiling again, but this time a sad smile, along with sad eyes as he prepared to say their final goodbyes.

“I know.” He spoke, moving his thumbs across Sirius’ cheeks again as he continued. “I love you.”

Those words always caused a smile to appear on Sirius’ face, and within a heartbeat he said then back.

“I love you too.”

Remus sighed as more tears rolled down their cheeks. They knew that this was when he leaves, when he walks out the door and when the pain really starts. But he knew he couldn’t break yet, not in front of Sirius.

So, instead, he smiled, holding his fiancé closer as he spoke, words he used to say any time he would be apart from Sirius. Words they’ve been saying since they were young. Something he would ask before they left to go to class, or before Sirius had to go to detention, or before they parted ways over the holidays to go back home. And now, it was something he asked every time he left, something he couldn’t wait to see again when he returns.

“Smile for me?”

Sirius had been waiting, knowing it was coming. He always dreaded those words, because usually right after they’re said, right after he smiles towards his love, he’s alone. And he didn’t want to be alone. But, he smiled, as big as he could, as if nothing was wrong, for Remus. Because he knew that Remus needed it.

“There it is” Remus spoke, brushing his thumb over his lips, pausing to look at him before pulling Sirius closer, their lips finding each other.

The last kiss. Something they both dreaded, but longed for. Needed. The last thing they had to hold onto, until Remus would return.

And it hurt. Like it always did.

And then they were no longer pressed up against each other, no longer connected by the lips. And Remus was at the door, looking back towards his love one last time.

And he smiled. Like he always did. Like he needed to. And Sirius’ heart continued to break.

“Come back to me.” Sirius said softly, a promise he needed Remus to make, even if he knew himself that Remus didn’t have any control over it, that even if Remus wanted to, he might not.

But Remus just smiled, ignoring the guilt he felt. The lie he would tell if he didn’t come back.

But he would rather lie now, then admit to himself that this could be the last time he lays his eyes on the one person he cares about most in the world.

“Always.”

And then he left, and Sirius was alone.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw - depictions of attempted suicide and behaviours that could result in an eating disorder

It has been three days since he left, and Sirius was back in that dark place, a place he tried to hard, so desperately to get away from. The heartache, the loneliness, the guilt all came rushing back the moment he watched his Remus walk out the door.

The first night, he was already having nightmares to the point where he would wake up, wand pointed towards the door, heavy chest and full of fear, and by the second night he wasn’t sleeping at all. Something that wasn’t unusual, whenever they took Remus. Whenever he was alone. He never liked sleeping alone, never was good at it. Even when they were still students at Hogwarts, Sirius would find a way to slip into either James or Remus' bed, more so Remus after they started dating, needing to know someone was there, feel that he wasn't alone. 

A sigh escaped him as he pushed himself from their bed, rubbing his hands over his face, his eyes drifting towards the wall in front of him. His eyes wandered over to their dresser, landing on the many picture frames which sat on top, causing a small smile to tug onto his lips. Remus had decided not long after moving in together to decorate their apartment with photos of all their friends and loved ones, said that if they couldn't spend time with them all, that at least this way they'll still be able to look at them, see their smiling faces, remember all the good times they spent together.

Pushing himself from the bed, he let his feet drag him towards the dresser, his eyes landing on his favourite photo. The marauders were sat in the Gryffindor common room, laughing at something’s James had said. Remus was sat in Sirius’ lap, his arms draped around his shoulders, and Sirius couldn’t help but smile at the image. James sat next to them, an arm around a not-impressed Lily, as he grinned towards the camera. Sirius remembered that day, Peter had just discovered his love for photography, and spent most of his time taking photos of his friends.

James had said that he’d never seen Sirius so happy than he was in that moment, and Sirius would respond by rolling his eyes, but he knew that it was true. Sirius had never been as happy as he was in that moment, sitting and laughing with his closest friends, the love of his life on his lap, the only worries in their minds being who was going to win the next quidditch match.

He couldn't help but chuckle out, his chest beginning to hurt again as his eyes watered. He really did miss Remus, and his heart ached more when he thought about it. Thought about how long they might be apart. 

He let his eyes wander over more of the photos, passing more of the marauders with their arms over each other, big stupid grins on their faces, a family portrait of the Potters and Sirius, after they non-officially adopted him, one of Sirius and Remus, holding up their newly ringed fingers towards the camera after Sirius had proposed, another of Sirius and Regulus as children, trying not to laugh as his mother ushered over them to _stand up straight_ and _fix your tie_.

Another sigh escaped him as he rubbed his eyes, before pushing himself from the room and towards the bathroom. He knew what Remus would say if he saw the state which Sirius was in. “ _You have to look after yourself, Sirius! You can’t just stop living because I’m not there_!”

It worried Remus, his heart aching as he thought of how Sirius treated himself, how he couldn’t look after himself when he was worried about his fiancé. Sirius knew it was wrong of him to, but sometimes he couldn’t even force himself out of his bed. It would only get worse, the longer Remus was away, so he knew for now, whilst he still had some motivation, some energy, he should at least try.

So, he entered the bathroom, turned the shower on and stripped.

The warm water defiantly helped to calm him down, his breathing steadying as he closed his eyes, trying to relax. He began to wash himself, knowing that hygiene is somewhat important, and that if Remus were here, he would be scolded.

“ _I’m not kissing you until you’re clean, Sirius!_ ” He would say, which usually resulted in Sirius chasing him around the room, eventually catching him, pulling him into his arms.

“ _Get off me, you smell!_ ” He would say, laughing like a child as Sirius placed kisses all over him. Remus always insisted that he hated it, but they both know he really didn’t.

Sirius thought, about Remus, about the war, what was happening around them, what he wished it was like instead, and he was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed the water, which had now turned cold.

He sighed as he opened his eyes, turning the water off as he pushed himself through the shower curtain. He wrapped his towel around his waist, leaning his hands on the bench as he looked to the mirror, his eyes wandering over his own face.

He looked exhausted, he _was_ exhausted. His hair clung to his skin, still soaking with water, the droplets dripping down onto his arms and chest. He sighed again, closing his eyes for a moment, but footsteps filled his ear, causing his eyes to open, his heart beating faster as he looked towards the door.

He grabbed his wand quickly, something he now keeps on him at all times as he moved towards the doorway slowly, listening as the footsteps got louder. They didn't sound like Moony, too fast, too heavy, and the gap between each footstep didn't falter like Remus' did, the result of his permanent limp in his left leg. He knew it couldn't be Remus, too soon, to suddenly. Remus always called for him the moment he entered the doorway when he returned from his mission. Sirius' grip on his wand tightened.

The door to their bedroom creaked opened as Sirius pushed himself into the room, pointing his wand towards the door. He paused, flinching slightly as James raised his arms, stopping in his tracks.

“Hey! Just me!” he said as Sirius let out a breath, running a hand through his hair, sending water flying off of him as he spoke.

“Bloody hell mate! What are you doing here?”

“I have a key” he said, his hand moving, the key bouncing in his hand as Sirius groaned out. His hand moved down his face as he rolled his eyes.

“No, _why_ are you here?”

“To check on you.. It’s been three days.”

James knew that Sirius always struggled, but due to the restrictions given to both the Potters and Sirius by Dumbledore, communication between them was hard, which is why James felt the need to come here himself. To check on his best friend. To check on his _brother_.

“Come on, pack a bag you’re staying with us a few nights.”

“James-“

“I’m serious, Pads."

There was a time when he would have responded with “ _No,_ ** _I’m_** _Sirius”_ , but he couldn’t, he didn’t have energy to joke, to laugh. Which only worried James more.

“I’m fine, James.”

“You look like you haven’t slept in three days, I doubt you’ve eaten anything either. You’re not fine, Pads. I _know_ you’re not.”

And he was right. He was always right when it came to how Sirius was feeling. Something Sirius used to hate, the fact that James, as oblivious as he could be sometimes, always knew how to read Sirius, as if he was an opened book, as if it was the easiest thing in the world to do. 

“Really, James, I’ll be okay-“ Sirius began, but was cut off as James grabbed his forearm, already knowing what was there. Sirius didn’t have to look when James shoved his forearm into his face, already knowing what he was going to say.

“Look at it, Pads.” Was all he said as Sirius sighed, his eyes moving over his skin, a new scar forming amongst the others.

He wasn’t proud of what he did. But he hurt, and he suffered, and sometimes, it just got too much. They all knew it happened, as much as Sirius would deny it, would say that he’s fine. And James knew him too well.

“You’re not fine. You need help. We _want_ to help.” James practically pleaded at this point. Sirius was stubborn, but James didn’t care. Sirius was his brother, and his brother was hurting, hurting enough to want to leave permanent reminders of that pain. Sometimes James wondered if it was even about the pain, or if it made him feel closer to Remus, to his scars. But either way, he wanted to help. Needed to be there for his brother.

“It’s old, okay? It’s from a while ago.” He lied, as if it was natural, like he always did when it came to expressing what he was feeling. _Worrying_ the people he cared about. James never brought it.

He pulled his arm from James as his own crossed over his chest.

“A while ago being within the last three days?”

Sirius tried to think of any other excuse why he couldn’t go. He wanted to. _God_ he wanted to. But they shouldn’t have to deal with his suffering. He didn’t want them to. Didn't want to burden them with looking after another person, someone who should be capable of looking after himself. They had enough to worry about.

“You know I’m not meant to leave” he said, knowing very well that Dumbledore would disapprove. But James didn’t care. James stopped caring about the professor’s approval the moment he took Remus from them. From Sirius.

“Look, we’re worried about you. And we miss you. Harry misses his uncle Padfoot” he said, causing a sigh to escape Sirius. The truth was, Sirius didn’t want to share his problems, his issues, because he cared too much about them. They had so much going on, that he didn’t want to burden them, didn’t want them focusing on looking after him. He wasn’t important enough.

Except he was. Sirius was so important, to everyone. And they never knew why he couldn’t see it. Why he couldn’t see _just_ how important he is. And he knew that he needed to be with someone, to distract him from his thoughts, but James didn’t give him a chance to say no, already opening Remus' and his closet to begin packing. He turned, throwing a shirt towards Sirius, along with a pair of pants as he grabbed the duffel bag from the floor.

“Get dressed, Pads” he said as Sirius sighed, following his orders. He pulled his pants over his legs, his shirt over his head, putting his wet towel in the hamper as he made his way to James.

James zipped up the bag as Sirius reached for a coat, pausing as his eyes stopped on the fabrics, most belonging to Remus. James noticed, sighing out a he grabbed a coat belonging to Remus, knowing that Sirius would regret not choosing it later. He pulled it from the hanger, helping to put in on Sirius as his eyes landed on his hair, still drenched with water, his shirt now wet.

“You haven’t even dried your hair, Sirius. You’re going to catch a cold.” He said, grabbing a beanie from the closet as he pushed it over the wet hair. Sirius didn’t bother answering, the only thing on his mind being the smell of Remus. He clung the coat closer to him as James sighed, picking up the bag and closing the wardrobe.

“Come on, Pads.”

They made their way down the stairs, Sirius taking a seat at the bottom to put his shoes on. James took a few steps into the lounge room, laughing out at the three unfinished puzzles, which laid over the carpet.

“He’s still just as messy?”

It wasn’t that Remus intended to be messy. It’s just what happened. He would be doing something, and get excited or distracted by the next thing, and then he’d start something new, and would always promise to go back to the first thing, but that usually didn’t happen. Sirius always thought it was because Remus wanted to know everything, had so much to learn and do, and not enough time for it all.

“We do them when he comes home, but I don’t want to finish one without him. By the time he gets back again he’s bored of the old one, so we start a new one..” Sirius explained as James chuckled out.

He used to do the same with books. Start reading one book, and then get excited about another book. Then he’d read the new book, until he found another he was excited for. And the cycle continued. Usually with books though, he’d go back, finish ones he forgot to, because for some reason, leaving a book unfinished was one of the worst thing he could do, in his opinion.

“You ready?” James asked as Sirius stood, sighing as he made his way towards the door, pausing at the nightstand that stood, piles of sticky notes laying on top.

James knew what he was doing the moment he saw the sticky notes in Sirius’ hand. Something he started to do the first day Remus had left. Every day, from the moment Remus would leave to the moment he came back, Sirius would leave a note, saying where he was if he had left the house. So that, if he wasn’t home when Remus returned, he would know exactly where to find him.

Sirius knew that Remus wouldn’t be back in the next few days, might not be back in a long while, but something in him made him write the note. He had to. _Just in case_. He finished the note, sticking it to the wall as another sigh escaped him. James stood next to him, already holding the duffel bag as they left.

Sirius didn’t remember the cold walk to where the Potters were being kept, where they were hiding. He knew it was long, and his hair had almost frozen by the time they walked inside the warm house. James took his coat off, hanging it on the hooks by the door, but Sirius just held his tighter.

“Sirius!” Lily exclaimed happily as she pulled him into a hug. Sirius chuckled, his arms wrapping around her as she spoke.

“I missed you!” 

“I missed you too, Lils.”

Lily pulled from the embrace, her eyes landing on his hair.

“Your hair is wet, you must be freezing”

“I’m fine, Lils”

James chuckled, kissing Lily on the cheek as they made their way into the living room. Lily moved towards the cot, which sat by the couch, reaching down to pick up her son as Sirius smiled.

“Harry missed his uncle” she said as she held the boy, moving towards Sirius. Sirius smiled, reaching out towards his godson as Lily happily handed him over.

“Hey Harry, I missed you too” he said towards the baby, causing his heart to warm. Not in the same way it had been burning, but a warmth that made him calm. Harry always had that affect on him. Harry always seemed to calm too, when Sirius held him. He used to joke about it all the time.

“ _I’m mans best friend, Prongs.”_

“ _Oh bite me, Sirius”_

“ _Is that a proposition?”_

Sirius missed those days, when they could still laugh like nothing was wrong, joking together, like what they did when they were young.

“.. are you okay?” She asked as he looked towards her, answering as he always did.

“I’m fine”

“I can make you something to eat?”

“I’m really not hungry, Lils.”

“.. okay, but you’re having breakfast tomorrow morning. And you don’t get a choice” she said sternly, a smile making its way on her face as he chuckled, nodding.

Lily knew what Sirius was like. They all knew. And she also knew that giving him an option, he’ll always choose the one he shouldn’t. Always choose the “ _I’m fine_ ” option, when he really needed to say “ _actually I’m struggling”_ , and “ _I need help”._ So she didn’t give him an option. She would compromise, but in the end, what Lily wants, Lily would get.

Plus, it was hard for any of them to say no to Lily.

So, he agreed, knowing that he was going to have to eat eventually. And he didn’t want them to worry about him, when they should be worrying about themselves, or about Harry, or about Remus.

Lily just smiled, nodding, but they knew he wanted to be alone. It wasn’t a bad thing, for him to be alone. Sometimes that’s exactly what he needed. But they always made sure to not be too far, for when he needed his friends. And so they took Harry to bed, and Sirius found his way in their room. His room. Remus’ room, where they used to stay together whenever they would visit. And he was sad again.

And that sadness stayed with him as he sat on their bed, breathing in the scent of Remus that still lingered on his coat. He didn't realise how long he had been alone until he heard James' voice, a sudden contrast from hearing his own in his head.

“Pads..” James said, making his way into the room as Sirius sighed out again. James wanted to give Sirius his space, but couldn't control the growing feeling in his gut that made him want to see him. Outside of the worry and concern for Sirius, James really just missed his best friend, his brother. So he walked into the room, made his way towards Sirius, who closed his eyes for a moment, before speaking.

“It’s tomorrow tonight, James.”

James knew exactly what he was talking about, because ever since the beginning, since Remus began going on missions, he would keep track of every full moon. Every single one. And the idea that Remus would be alone tomorrow made them all want to cry. _Especially_ Sirius.

“I know, Pads.” He said simply as Sirius sighed, looking towards his brother. But he didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to.

James sat next to him, pulling him into a hug. Something they didn’t do nearly enough.

“I miss him too. But you have to look after yourself, Pads. For him. You need to be whole when he gets back.”

Sirius knew he was right. Remus hated it when he came home to find Sirius in such a state. He blamed himself for it, which only upset Sirius more. Because Sirius would _never_ blame Remus for any of it. He loved Remus, and hated that Remus thought his suffering was his fault.

Sirius closed his eyes, sighing as he nodded his head, his arms wrapping around James.

And the next day went by with a blur. He didn’t remember much, barely slept the night before. And suddenly it was night again, and it got worse. _He_ got worse.

And so, the whole night he didn’t sleep. How could he? Instead, he sat on the windowsill, staring up towards the full moon, heart aching, stomach churning. And it didn’t stop. It wouldn’t stop.

_It never did._


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw - depictions of panic attacks

Sirius hated thunderstorms. He always did, ever since he was young. And having to go through them by himself, without his Moony, made it even worse. The last time they had a thunderstorm, and Moony wasn't there, he didn't leave the comfort of under his blanket for three days, not until Moony came home and pulled him from his panic. 

They understood why he panicked. Any loud sound usually caused him to freak out a little, reminding him of where he grew up, of his birth family, and what they did to him. Usual loud sounds would result in him flinching away and tensing up, but usually now, it didn't take much to bring him back, calm him down again. Usually only a James' hand on his shoulder, or Remus' by his waist, and he calmed instantly, remembering where he was, that he was safe.

But thunderstorms were different. They were louder, longer, _closer_. Went on and on, ringing through his ears and skin and bones, rattled him inside and out. Those were the nights where all he wanted to do was cry, where Remus would have to hold him, kiss him, tell him that he's okay, that he's safe. _That he wasn't alone_.

That's the first thing Sirius heard when he woke up, the loud, the heavy rumble of the thunder, causing the room to rock and his bones to shake and the hairs on his arms to stand up. And he could already feel himself begin to panic, his chest tightening, his throat burning, like he couldn't breathe. Like it was getting progressively harder and harder to stay calm. Felt himself bubble and rise up to that feeling, until he was nauseous from it. 

The moment James opened his eyes, however, he didn't hear the thunder, instead the cries of Harry, his screaming moving throughout the room, bouncing around and off of the walls. A groan escaped him as Lily sat up quickly, another wave of thunder sounding around them as the rain got heavier. He pushed himself from his bed as Lily slowly stood, the lightning from outside helping him find his way towards a still crying Harry.

James picked his son up, holding him gently in his arms as he tried to calm the restless child down. Harry grabbed at James' shirt, his hands in fists as he clung to him desperately, continuing to cry into his fathers shoulder. 

"Shh, it's okay, Harry, I've got you" he cooed gently, glancing towards Lily, who stood leaning against the wall, watching the two of them fondly. She always liked the look of James with a baby in his arms, loving him more and more with every gentle touch or soft look. 

James continued to bounce Harry in his arms, smiling as he began to calm down. The thunder and lightning outside continued, the storm raging on, but Harry seemed to ignore it as he pulled back from James' shoulder, staring up towards his father with bright green eyes.

James went to speak, but paused as a sound ripped through his ears, so quiet, so soft, yet something he would forever be able to make out, even in the loudest of settings. A sound he could hear over all the loudness in the world, one that sent shivers down his spine worse than those he gets on the worst of nights. A whimper, low and wavered, full of fear.

He turned his face to the door instantly, listening intently as another wave of thunder rumbled the house around them. And then it clicked in his head. _Sirius_. Sirius made that sound. It was the same sound that came out of Sirius when he fell off his broom second year and broke his arm, the same sound he made when he found his way to the Potters house, after his parents disowned him with a beating that almost ended his life.

The same sound he made sobbing into an unconscious Remus in the hospital wing, after a particularly bad moon, when they almost lost him. 

"Shit, hold Harry" James said quickly, gently handing Harry over to Lily, who gave him a questioning look as James raced out of his room. 

"Pads!" he called out, pushing himself down the hallway as the house began to shake again at another rumble of thunder, causing another whimper to leave Sirius' room. 

James flung the door opened, calling out Sirius' name again as he looked around the room, trying to locate him. Lightning struck from outside, causing light to flash across the room as he heard yet another whimper. He moved quickly towards the bed, crouching down onto his hands and knees, moving the blanket away from his face as he looked under the bed, his eyes instantly spotting a black dog, covering its face with his paw, shaking, whimpering out again as another loud bang erupted in his ears.

"Sirius, hey, it's okay" he said softly, trying to move closer to Padfoot, causing him to flinch away slightly, burying his face deeper into the fur of his arm.

"James?" Lily asked from the door, Harry sitting at her hip as she lent against the door frame concerned. She continued to bounce Harry, who gripped onto her hair, looking curiously at James, who ignored his wife, moving closer to Sirius.

"Pads, it's okay, you're safe. I'm here, okay? It's not going to hurt you, I wont let it" he said softly again, reaching his arm out towards Sirius, who finally looked up towards him, eyes wide and glossy.

"Come here, Pads" he spoke as Sirius whimpered out again, smaller, quieter than before, as he slowly pushed himself up onto his paws, crouching slightly as he made his way towards James. His head pushed out from under the bed, but another wave of thunder broke out, causing him to whimper again, flinching back under the bed as James sighed out, trying his best to move closer to his best friend.

"Hey, it's okay, Pads. You're okay" he whispered softly, using the voice he usually would use to calm down Harry, as Sirius finally made his way out from under the bed, arms shaking, tail between his legs. Sirius pushed himself up onto James, his arms resting over his shoulders as James petted down his back, trying to calm him down as his body continued to shake.

"Shift back for me?" James asked as the weight in his lap became heavier, followed by a loud sob as Sirius latched onto James, his body continuing to shake. James held him back, holding him tightly, rocking him gently in attempt to calm him down.

"I know, I know Sirius, it's okay" he mumbled softly to him as Sirius continued to sob into his shoulder. James' gaze moved up towards Lily, who watched the scene in sadness, her chest beginning to ache as she held Harry closer. She didn't know of all the details of Sirius' struggles, of his family and his past, but she knew that he suffered a lot, and at one point, that suffering was constant, never-ending. And she also knew that James and Remus were two of the main reasons his suffering went away, his _pain_ went away. 

And watching someone you were close to, someone who you cared about so much, go through so much, suffering and in pain, hurt. Burned deep down in Lily's chest, an ache she couldn't fight, couldn't sooth. And not being able to help Sirius, to make his pain and suffering go away, only fuelled the aching, the burning, as she watched Sirius cling to her husband, sobbing into him.

"Pafoo?" Harry whispered into Lily's hair, eyeing the scene in front of them as Lily sighed, moving her son up her hip before wiping away at the tear she didn't realise she had let go, turning to take Harry back to bed.

"Pafoo?" Harry asked again, a little louder, a little more sternly as Lily sighed, smiling towards her son.

"Uncle Padfoot's okay, Harry, the storm just scared him, is all" she spoke softly, knowing it was deeper than that, but Harry wouldn't understand, shouldn't have to understand at such a young age, so she continued to smile as she entered her room.

"Loud" Harry responded, pushing himself closer to his mother as she nodded her head, placing a kiss onto his head before putting him down gently into his cot before answering.

"Yes, it's very loud isn't it? But he'll be okay. Now it's time to go back to sleep, okay Harry?" she asked, tucking her son back into his bed as he began to fall back asleep.

Sirius stopped shaking early in the morning, just after the sun came up, but James still didn't move from him. Not even long after he fell asleep did he move. Only when Lily came in to check on them did he manage to untangle himself from Sirius, placing him down onto his bed. But even then he didn't leave his side, sitting next to him instead, watching over him. Even back when they were at school, he would sit up late watching Sirius if he had a bad day, if he broke down. Couldn't sleep himself, too worried about his best friend.

"Hey" Lily said softly as she entered the room, James tearing his eyes away from Sirius to smile up towards her. She smiled back, handing him a mug of hot chocolate as he thanked her, leaning into her touch as she placed a hand on his shoulder. 

"Is he okay?" she asked as their attention turned back to Sirius, James' eyes returning to watching the rise and fall of his chest, a sign that he was still breathing, still _alive_. He took a sip of his hot chocolate, sighing out of his noise as Lily started to rub at his tensed up neck and shoulders, trying to help him calm down.

"I haven't seen him this bad, since.. since they disowned him" he mumbled, remembering back to that day, when Sirius knocked on their door in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm, crying, bleeding, _shaking_. It was one of the worst days of Sirius' life, and thus, one of the worst days of James' life. He never did enjoy seeing those he cares about in pain.

"But he's going to be okay, right?" Lily squeezed at his shoulder again, in attempt to comfort him, or comfort herself, James couldn't tell. But it worked either way, soothing his muscles the slightest bit as he thought. But the truth was, he didn't know if Sirius would be okay. Sure, the moment Remus came back Sirius would be back to normal, would be happy again, wouldn't be hurting so much. But then, when Remus leaves again, Sirius will be back here, in this place, _hurting_. And then, what would happen if Remus didn't come back?

_God, James didn't even want to think about what would happen if Remus didn't come back._

"I don't know, Lils.. He's real bad. He's hurting himself, I.. I don't know how to help" he spoke honestly, rubbing his free hand over his face as Lily squeezed his shoulder again, before sitting down next to James. She lent her body into his, closing the space between them, the warmth from her body calming James down instantly, like it usually did.

"Hey.. All we can do is be there for him, show him that we love him, that we care about him, that we need him." She spoke softly, leaning her head down onto James' shoulder as she looked over Sirius, still sleeping peacefully.

"And hope to god Moony comes back soon."

When Sirius woke the next morning, he didn't expect to be surrounded by sleeping bodies. The events of the night before were still foggy in his mind as he looked around him at the nest they somehow created. James was to his left, laying on his side, arm draped over Sirius' stomach, head buried into his neck, mouth hanging opened, glasses half hanging off of his face. To his right was Lily, curled up small into Sirius' side, a sleeping Harry laying in between the two, Lily's arm draped over her son protectively, her hand placed on Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius couldn't help the smile that made his way onto his face at the sight, but sighed as the memories of what had happened came back to him. He turned his head to the side slightly, groaning out at how stiff his muscles were, unable to stretch them out.

"James, you're drooling on me" he said softly, nudging the sleeping body next to him as James stirred, snuggling in closer as he began to mumble incoherently. Sirius chuckled out, rolling his eyes as he shoved at James again, a little harder, watching as his eyes flew opened.

"If you wanted to be my cuddle buddy, you could've just asked" he said sarcastically, causing James to chuckle out, trying to stay quiet for Lily and Harry, who still slept beside them. 

"What? And face the wrath of Remus when he finds out I've stolen his fiancé?" The two boys laughed quietly together, James sitting up to stretch out his back, untangling himself from Sirius' side. James fixed the glasses on his face, stretching out his neck and Sirius somehow managed to carefully, untangle himself from Lily and Harry, stretching his own sore muscles before leaning back against the bedframe. 

"You feeling okay?" James asked, Sirius wincing slightly as his shoulders popped, moving a hand to rub at his neck as he nodded his head. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm sorry-"

"Don't apologise. Really, Pads, it's okay" James said, cutting Sirius off from continuing, placing a hand on his shoulder. Sirius sighed, taking a deep breath as he nodded towards James.

"Thank you" he said back, James smiling in response. He was going to speak again, but paused as he felt a small hand grip onto his firearm, catching his attention.

He turned to see Harry, who had somehow managed to wriggle out of Lily's arm, and began to climb onto Sirius' lap, staring up at his father and uncle. Sirius chuckled as Harry made his way onto Sirius' lap, placing his hands on his chest to balance himself, pushing hit little body up until he was standing. Sirius' arms wrapped around him gently, making sure he wasn't going to fall backwards as Harry leaned in close to his uncle. 

"Good morning Harry" Sirius smiled towards him as he began to bounce happily in his lap as James chuckled out from next to him.

"He was worried about you, you know" Lily spoke from her laying position, causing James and Sirius' attention to turn to her. She smiled up at them, before pushing herself up onto her forearms, leaning over to move Harry's hair out from his eyes. Sirius chuckled slightly, staring back at Harry, whose hands found their way onto Sirius' hair. He tugged at it slightly, before plopping back down onto his lap, turning his attention over to Lily. 

"All the Potters seem to be doing lately is worrying about me, huh?"

"I've been worrying about you long before I was a Potter, Mr Black. You and my husband tend to do that to me with your recklessness" she said as James laughed out, a grin creeping onto Sirius' face as he shook his head, remembering all the times Lily would scold at them or tell them off for giving her an anxiety attack with whatever new prank they were scheming. It wasn't uncommon for either boys to end up in the hospital wing after an unfortunate prank gone wrong, which eventually also included failed attempts at swooning their respective crushes. Often times Remus and Lily would gang up on the two of them, something about being _stupid_ and _reckless_ , and _the next time you do something like that I'm throwing you off the astronomy tower_ , but Sirius never really listen to those rants, was instead being distracted by the beauty that was Remus, too busy watching his lips to actually hear what he was saying.

"Ah, not Mr Black for long hopefully?" James said, grinning towards Sirius as he chuckled slightly, heat rushing to his face as he felt a blush begin to make its way onto his pale skin.

"As soon as Remus gets back" he responded as James nodded, Harry letting go of Sirius' hair, beginning to crawl his way towards his mother as James spoke.

"Good. Lupin sounds so much better on you" he said, Sirius nodding as Lily lifted Harry into her arms, smiling towards her son.

"I think it's time for breakfast" she said as she lifted herself and Harry from the bed, ruffling Sirius' hair as she heading towards the door.

"You two coming?" She paused in the doorway, turning back to raise an eyebrow to both boys as James nodded his head towards her, smiling.

"We won't be a minute" James spoke, Lily returning his smile as she left. Sirius turned to face James, raising an eyebrow towards his brother as James lent back against the wall.

"You sure you're okay?" he asked again, his eyes drifting towards the tear stains that still stuck to Sirius' cheeks from the night before. Sirius chuckled out, noticing James' eyes, wiping at his cheeks as he nodded his head, smiling.

"I'm fine, I promise."

"Well, you do look a mess" James joked, a grin spreading out over both their faces as Sirius laughed, shaking his head, shoving James away from him playfully.

"No, no I.. I'm good. I feel better, actually"

"Good. Now come on, you can't skip out on another meal or she'll go mental."

Sirius let a chuckle escape him as he pushed himself from the bed, running a hand through his messy hair as James stalked out of the room. Sirius stretched out his arms and back again, groaning at the strain, a yawn creeping up his throat as he made his way after James. 

He generally did feel a little better, the warmth from his friends proving comfort to him after the events of the night before. And despite the chaos of the thunderstorm, he slept soundly once he fell, dreaming of his fiancé, of being with him, seeing him, touching him, holding him in his arms. 

_"I love you"_ dream-Remus had said, laying atop of dream-Sirius, who's arms were wrapped around the werewolf's back, keeping him close, feeling his fiancé's heartbeat against his own chest, dream-Remus' head buried into the crook of dream-Sirius' neck. 

_"I still don't know why"_ dream-Sirius had said back, a hand moving from dream-Remus' back to his hair, soft curls fitting between his fingers as easily as they always have. Dream-Remus lifted his head, smiling sweetly towards dream-Sirius, moving his hand to rest on the side of dream-Sirius' face, caressing him gently.

_"Because you are perfect to me in every way possible"_ he spoke, his voice so heavenly in Sirius' ears. He always said that Remus' voice reminding him of an angels. That Remus was his angel, sent from heaven just for him, to save him from his own purgatory called the House of Black, from the demons disguised as his family. 

Another sigh escaped Sirius as he made his way into the kitchen, Lily already beginning to make breakfast, James leaning against the bench, Harry happily in his arms, hands reaching up to grab at his glasses. Sirius smiled at the sight, taking a seat at the kitchen counter as Harry turned to him, moving one hand from around James' glasses, balling his small hand into a fist, waving towards Sirius. 

Sirius grinned, waving back towards the child as Lily spoke.

"You still like pancakes, don't you Sirius?" Lily asked, turning to raise an eyebrow towards him as he chuckled out, nodding his head.

"Of course, as long as James isn't making them" Lily laughed out, grinning towards Sirius who laughed along, James mouth flying opened at what Sirius had said.

"Yeah, okay mate, my cooking is still better than yours" James retorted back, but couldn't help the grin spreading onto his face.

"Is that why we're marrying good cooks?" Sirius asked back, leaning back in his chair, watching as Harry began to pull at James' hair, a small smile on the child's face. James laughed out, nodding his head as he continued to bounce Harry in his arms.

"If we weren't, we'd probably starve." They both started laughing again, knowing it was very well true, that without Remus or Lily cooking them meals, they'd probably both forget to eat - Sirius because of his lack of ability to take care of himself, and James because of how distracted he always found himself. 

Before anyone else could say anything, the sound of a door closing got their attention, the voice of an angel ringing through Sirius ears, bouncing around the walls of his skull, his pulse thumping in his neck and fingertips, the hairs on his arms standing up, his heart beating up against his chest.

"Sirius?"


End file.
